cyphercrypt

Hunger is nothing. Mind over matter.

Today I cleared a backlog of about one hundred sentence drill flashcards, cards from a deck that lately hasn't been seeing much action because it's the one I studied with the mobile phone.

I'm supposed to stay away from the Taiwan sub-reddit.

Considering how often people suicide globally, it's interesting that suicide isn't considered some sort of natural if not normal instinct (under adverse circumstances) rather than a mental aberration.

Maybe I can get my sister to write me a letter of recommendation. Actually, my sister doesn't really know me at this point.

I wanted to finally clear my living room of all the boxes and papers, but cleaning the kitchen and bathroom has worn me out, so it may not happen tonight. Tedium must be a large part of the feeling, a large part of the reason why I struggle to keep my living space clean in general, because I can walk for hours yet I feel tired after just forty-five minutes of sweeping, mopping, scrubbing surfaces, and throwing things into the trash. Also I have to think about cleaning but not about walking. Having to scrub the muck left over from meal remnants washed down the sink made me think I should go fully raw vegan. The basic version doesn't generate a lot of mess besides the juices, seeds, and peels of fruit. Plus there's no time spent on cooking. But some of that time is spent on extra trips to the grocery store because produce doesn't last very long.

Like a dumbass, I went out walking without eating enough again and had to come right back to avoid a headache. This is note to self to stop doing that stupid shit. I can get away with it first thing in the morning, but not later in the day. Why?

I want that goddamned doctor so badly. In my mind's eye I keep seeing his hand held out, waiting for me to squeeze it, as he began the physical exam. Knobby knuckles and long, finely shaped fingers. Red at the thumb and pale at the palm, probably from the pressure of all the washing. Bandages on the thumb and another finger. I wonder why his hand was bandaged.

This sucks.

I took a bottle of water with me for grocery day today. No headache.

This month, I'm trying to focus on eating more whole grains/fiber so that I can feel full with even less food. I'm pleased with the appearance of my body, and I feel that the end of the diet is finally in sight. The issue is that more fiber costs more money. The brown basmati rice I bought today costs twice as much as the white version I'd normally get. Chickpea pasta is at least double the price of the white rice noodles I've been eating. I haven't changed my bread this month, still having rye, but seven sandwiches' worth is almost five dollars. I've added more beans to my menu. The one thing that won't cost me more is switching to steel cut oats, which are the same price as all the other varieties of bulk oats at the health food store.

I'm always struggling to afford enough veggies, and this month is going to be even worse. I'm not really complaining though. I eat like royalty on food stamps and I'm glad the program exists as it does. Having to put back foods that I want month after month, however, is unpleasant. Having to put back foods that I need is worse. But I sprung for a sixteen-dollar bag of fresh walnuts today, similar to what I've been doing these past few months, so I hope that my omega-3 level isn't still low.

Three days of poor sleep and I'm back on the quick-release melatonin.

I finally had my endocrinology appointment today. The nurse who checked me in asked me whether it was ok for the doctor to use AI to transcribe his notes. I asked why it wouldn't be ok and she said that I'd be surprised. I guess some patients don't trust AI. But their AI system is offline, in-house, and nothing is processed by a third party, so I have no problem with it.

The doctor was attractive. Slim with long, slim fingers and a skinny mustache. A bit on the tall side but not alien-tall.

One of the things I hate the most about being around (non-autistic?) people is that they pay too much attention to people's faces and body attitudes. I know that they see and use it as a form of communication, but that doesn't work for me, apparently; every time someone comments on how I look, they always come up with something I'm not actually feeling.

After some initial questioning about my blood sugar issues, the doctor asked me whether he'd said anything that had upset me because I looked sad. I didn't really feel sad. I was stressed out from listening, talking, and trying to maintain somewhat normal eye contact. Also I was dehydrated, which causes fatigue; maybe that's part of what he saw. I said that I was ok and the appointment continued.

He said the first step was to figure out the cause, but I don't think we're going to find that. I think the cause was me getting too fat at university and permanently messing up my digestive system somehow. He ordered a glucose monitor and glucose testing kit for me and directed the staff to schedule me for a follow-up appointment in three months. In the meantime, I'm supposed to get a fasting blood test and a four-hours-post-meal blood test. I'm also supposed to see the dietician, which I don't really want to do.

He seemed very thorough. I don't think I've even seen a doctor go through all the forms I've had to fill out for appointments over the years. I was asked my current or previous occupation on one form, and he asked me about my answer. Basically I told him that I'd edited various kinds of STEM-related writing. Then he said that he was really into science, which made me laugh because, it should be a given that a medical doctor is really into science. But he told me that some doctors aren't, and he mentioned some who'd speculated about covid being the work of aliens. Our little chat put me in a good mood.

I made my follow-up appointment and left. I had a headache at that point. All this time I've been thinking that the headaches I get while out of town are due to hunger; now I'm fairly certain that most or all of them are caused by dehydration. I've come to appreciate only gradually over the years how dry the environment is here, and only recently have I noticed that I need to drink more than I'm used to drinking.

I stopped at Whole Foods for something to eat and could scarcely find anything that didn't have added oil. This is a recurring problem with eating away from home. The hot bar at Whole Foods is the oiliest thing ever, and expensive too. I settled on a package of whole wheat lavash and a bit of fresh ground peanut butter. Simple and wholesome. I quickly ate some and then caught the inter-city bus back home and stopped at another grocery store in town for an electrolyte drink. Water is never enough once I'm dehydrated enough to have a headache.

I've been fantasizing about that doctor almost the whole time since that appointment ended.

Not doing normal things with the face and body is one of the major impediments to bonding with non-autistic people. Smiles and eye contact and shit is super important to them. What feels like a neutral face to me looks sad or angry apparently. There's nothing I can do about that except avoid them. No point in wasting my time being misread. They also apparently love to talk in this particular culture. I've reached the point at which I want to get a TTS device so that I can avoid talking. Talking feels physically unpleasant and it's tiring. Smiling doesn't feel good either. I prefer people who don't smile a ton and I bond via touch.

I can no longer log in to the vegan dating site. Like seemingly everything online nowadays, it's primarily an app and the web version was apparently something of an afterthought or perhaps just a low priority. It's been in beta ever since I started using it, and this new beta version won't load any login form for me, so, there's another dating avenue closed. It wasn't a very promising one anyhow. As much as I would love love love to have a vegan partner, a relationship with a non-autistic vegan would never work out, would never even get off the ground.

My feet are killing me; I spent too much time standing today or I'm over-exercising again perhaps. So no walk tonight; I ate just half a meal, so the calories not eaten will make up for the calories not burned.

I had a little grieving session yesterday morning (in between waking up and getting up is prime thinking time). I grieved the opportunity of bonding intimately with a member of my own sex. Whether I get a male partner or not, it's a significant loss. It's not definitely lost, for all the rest of my life. Just very likely lost. No more shared experience of femalehood, no more soft bodies to cuddle, no more slippery clits rolling around on my tongue. I'd rather have a female partner; it'd just be easier. I never had to worry about pregnancy, squirting organs, and violence when I dated womyn.

I had an interesting dream this morning, so I'm annoyed that I cannot remember it. Either someone kissed me or said something super interesting to me.

It's so nice to sit outdoors and read, think, and daydream without anyone saying a damned thing to me. Haven't heard a peep out of the property manager since I emailed him to ignore me from then on.